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I feel such an unusual peace in a time of such confusion and instability. There is a calmness surrounding my heart and mind. Until a few days ago I didn't think he felt the same curiosity and gravity towards me, that constantly drew my thoughts toward him. And now - the whole thing is so complex - but at the same time - incredibly simple - easy. It was easy. With him. And now I am experiencing this great peace, fascination, and happiness that feels so selfish. And yet it's already to the point - in me at least - I don't want to date anyone else - that's so crazy - and yet it feels so right. I haven't eaten anything today and still have knots / tingles / neurotransmitter rush - whatever it is - since our conversation ended last night.
But at the same time I'm incredibly drawn into him. It's almost as if I know beyond doubt - what it would feel like to be with him - enjoying even the mundane days. The paying bills and cleaning up after each other days - the sometimes tedious routine of life. He is a definite mix of tease vs/ direct - soft / hard - rsponsible / playful - in control but yet vulnerable. How do I feel all of this from him? And yet I have so many questions ....
How protective is he? How patient? Is he respectful to other people just because that's who he is? Will he go with me to get my tatoo and not get bored if it takes a while? Is he secure enough to tell me what he wants and how I make him feel? If we were in a crowded room - what would he do to make me feel like I am "his"? Would my age concern him? ... ever? Like me, does he think everything happens for a reason, and those situations may have led us both to be in similar circumstances at the same time? Or even just to provide strength to each other at a time it's needed the most?
also bizarre that all of this is happening at a time when I'm putting my house up for sale anyway - wild that I'm needing to find a new beginning.
At the end of the day - he makes me feel more feminine - more like a woman. The interaction I feel from him - free, yet protective and respectful - I see that as the foundation of all good lovers. I've been so independent during my marriage (not how it should have been) and even more so since my divorce, that I'm craving a true partner in every sense. The whole geisha thing - (gei) meaning "art and (sha) meaning "person" is the mindset I have of beautiful and complete offering of self to my partner - one that he knows he has all of me in return for his respect and protection. It's unequal in role, but totally equal and balanced in respect and reward. I know how to make a man feel like a man. I do like hanging out with the guys and often enough, I like guys more than women (or at least trust where they are coming from), but don't want to BE one. I love my feminine side and I love that feminine side to be encouraged by a man who knows what he is doing and who he is. Whoever I end up falling for will get the best of me, not the rest of me.
For now - at least - tomorrow - I'm spending the next two weeks at the beach. I just found out that Kayla is coming to join me the second week I'm there, so I'm sure she will be a great "sounding board" - much needed at the moment.
Current Location: Kayla's
I'm feeling: hmmm
I'm listening to: Lauren is crying
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Sometimes I wonder where we now stand - where your head is when you take my hand - The past grabs you back to quick impulse of fear - where some living ghost haunts your tender heart here - I know the fog lifts at the end of the morn - but we're sinking 'till then under tides of past scorn - Our love will endure the crash of each wave - and persuade past betrayal to eternally fade - Our souls collided forming letters to words - notes into melody and music was heard - Now my heart dreams the same dreams as you - I view the same stars, and wish on them too! I'm crazy about you baby - I'll always be faithful to you - in mind and body, soul and thought - no question - I'm yours. I'm feeling:  satisfied
I'm listening to: Meredith has Criminal Intent volume VERY LOUD!
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Lunch went well and he said he'd reserve a court if I was interested in playing tennis on Sunday. It was sweet. He asked if I had a racket, I said I did but I didn't have a tennis skirt, a volvo and two kids named Biffy and Muffy. He was very disappointed about the skirt. After lunch - went to work - was floated to the ortho floor where I had a kind of weird ironic touching moment that could have been dictated straight from my journal entry this morning. I met a couple who recently celebrated their 41st wedding anniversary and she (my patient) began to tell me how they met and were married in South Africa ten days later. They both expounded at length on how happy they are and how much they love each other. After a couple of times being called to the room, her husband asked if I was single and even though I usually am really hesitant to talk openly about anything personal at work, I did admit to him I'm divorced. They lit up and both talked at once, finishing each other's words and sentences, about how they loved my smile and how could I be single and how perfect I would be for their 38 year old, (unsuspecting), hard-working, 6'4", handsome unmarried son. At first I thought .... hmmm they may be onto something here (even though he's too tall) but by the time they hatched a plan to invite me over to dinner (I gave them one of my cards - no reprimands allowed!) I'd already figured out he's most likely gay and hasn't come out of the closet yet and dinner would be really awkward (although very entertaining) if that was the case! Because of my mindset of late and my post just this morning and that the conversation was completely initiated out of the blue by them it was one of those profoundly surreal moments anyway. Makes me wonder if there really are huge forces at work that are able to intervene ... just a little. I'm feeling:  still laughing about the title
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Your face turns away, as if searching for a breath - searching for a branch to hold you to stop your free-fall from me ... a rivet in the rock to scrape your fingernails on something to grasp other than my pity swimming around you. I'm lost in theories but nothing comes - But the vastness of apathy - made more tangible and dense by the lack of comforting words. Your fragility compels me, as it always has. Still, my hands fall, heavy, to my side - adrenaline causing them to thump the blood that used to ebb and flow in rhythm with your gravity. I never felt ashamed of you ... the way you stumbled helplessly over everyday words, or the way melancholy seemed to seep or more appropriately, bound from your being. I can't feel you anymore - I've tried. I want you to move on - the way I have - but your reaction beckons me back to reality or at least consciousness where I can sense the movement of the leaves and the coolness of the soil - And urges me to reach for you - But we've come this far to be apart. Unable to ignore this crosscurrent of apathy - suddenly coiled around my chest - So tight. So tight that surrendering to it's pull - and drifting far out to black would be easier than opposing the rip-current of ache that would usher me back to your bed. But all I feel is the weight of my hands - unable to reach out to you - frozen - and I float away - fixated on your face - turned away, as if - searching for a breath - searching for a branch to hold you to stop your free-fall from me ... a rivet in the rock to scrape your fingernails on something to grasp other than my pity swimming around you. I'm feeling: lying peacefully
I'm listening to: pepe deluxe
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There is actually a cooking show called "The Naked Chef" ... I TIVO'd it - pervert girl I am - thinking that ... well duh .... found out he's not actually naked. Anyway - I'm feeling really lazy right now because instead of cooking - I'm watching - not just cooking shows - but TIVO recorded cooking shows. A warm thanks, from the bottom of my heart, to my friends and family for presenting me with the lamo-single-girl-award-of-the-year - I want to thank all the little people who were there with me along the way and encouaged me to be as lame as possible so I could be standing here in front of you today accepting this award. Jeez! I did manage to go out to Solaris last night with some friends and tried a new drink called Tantic Tea ... hey you guys - don't blame me - real freinds would have known to cut me off at one. I promise I'm good for the bail money. Well, due to illness in my friend's family, poker night was once again postponed and I'm going stir-crazy. The girls decided - last minute - to go to a concert in Chapel Hill tonight with their fiends - so I'm unexpectedly alone tonight. I blew off other opportunities to be with my girls and then they totally blow me off for a concert. I can't really blame them - Let's see ... "mom / concert / mom / concert" I know it was a tough choice for them. Anyway, missing poker night will suck but my heart goes out to my friend's family. Sometimes life has a wild way of reminding you that living means giving up the people you love. On a not so similar topic, I was once told that everyone has their own "life" boat ... some are bigger, some smaller, some fancy, some plain ... when we fall in love, we attach our boat to someone else's and float along together for a while ... and as long as you don't get into someone else's boat and abandon yours completely, or let someone abandon their boat for yours, then you should always be able to stay afloat. I know I like the analogy too - but when I heard this dorky psycho-babble - I was like "Ok, that's nice, but somebody better get in my boat and give me some, like, right now!!" I'm feeling: - contentment -
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Jeez what do I have to do for someone to post a comment on this blasted blog?! Well, started back to work today - mostly related business like HIPPA, OSHA, insurance matters, checking drafts, etc ... Met another RN who will be working with me on 3300. She seems pretty cool - moved from VA like me. Although now I think I've spent more time in North Carolina that I did growing up in Virginia which, no offense, SUCKS. When I moved to Greensboro, so Patrick could get his phd, it was only supposed to be temporary - and now I'm stuck here because of his --- let's just say "shortcomings". Life is an interesting bag of tricks! As chaotic and enigmatic as life is - it's also very, very beautiful. Every once in a while you get a chance to see entire galaxies of emotion and desire in one single soul. Can you believe that they actually gave me an official badge with "RN" on it? What are they thinking??? Kayla and I are going to my beach place this weekend. *3/20, updated note* The "beach" link will take you to the atlantic beach "beach cam" where you have the option of looking at the current beach image or selecting certain days to view! You can see the beach during a selected 24 hour time span unfold over a matter of minutes. It looks almost like the image is not going to appear but it's only because the camera starts rolling before the sun comes up, so wait a second and you'll be able to see the sunrise and possibly see me walk by with my dog. If you want to see the beach cam on the days that Kayla and I were at the beach, choose March 11th through the 13th. It was raining on Friday the 11th so you might want to skip that day. *3/21, update* it looks like the cam dates only go back about two weeks so you can probably hit it until around the first of April. Ok - March 7th continued ... It's her 30th birthday and her @%$#ing fiance would rather let her come to the beach with me than plan anything remotely resembling a party or even cook her dinner or breakfast in bed - and he will only talk about the wedding on his terms as in "after I get my corvette, we can start planning the wedding" ... he gets me so hot and not in the pleasant way. I'm really a sweet girl - he just completely rubs me the wrong way because, unlike Kayla, I can see the forrest for the trees. I only have two friends who are girls and I guess I'm not ready to see either of them hurt or waste their time with someone who puts his own needs before hers. It's a little amusing since Kayla was all full of "If I catch you talking to Mark after what he did to you" advice last April and now .... sigh ... she won't listen to me. I'm feeling:  just thinking ...
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All this bumming around waiting for work to begin at Cone has left me time for reflection. Too much reflection maybe. Today I thought of a book from my late childhood, "A Separate Peace" - Knowles ... until I was an adult, it was my favorite book - weird for a girl, I know - then I got to wondering why and it helped to explain why I understand guys as much as I do. In the book, Gene is jaded by Finny's good looks and uninhibited rule-breaking attitude. As an only daughter, my brother got away with bloody murder and pushed the limits to his surroundings daily. He was charismatic and popular. While I was expected to behave like a "good girl" - not to push my limits - not to speak my mind (yeah that part has definitely changed, lol). And now I look back and know exactly how Gene felt - how Gene loved Finny and hated him at the same time. That craving for self-permission that helps us draw the outlines of ourselves in our society. So emerges my inherent desire to be free - which explains my past relationships and why I fear control. I view guys as free - maybe why almost all my friends are guys. It makes so much sense. When my parents talked about our future careers, my brother was given the positive affirmations that he could go to the moon - while I was told I'd make a good mother. Now my parents are both successful business owners and talk to my daughters about their career choices - one in photo journalism and the other wants to be a judge - and are like, "you girls are so smart - you have the world at your fingertips" and I just have to roll my eyes. Of course they do, and of course I did - I just didn't know it. So when people tease me because I like to do guy stuff I don't really care. It just means I am trying to work out my freedom, and get away from being the girly-girl I had to be growing up. Now I do have a "separate peace" from my family and childhood and can look back and find solace knowing that my life is my own now and freedom whenever I enable my daughters to see the power in themselves. Now - where did I put my lip gloss? I'm feeling:  not your average girly-girl
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Previous Entries
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